So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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