I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
