Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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