thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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