dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
