My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
