woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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