whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
