I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
