I wish I only lived at night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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