There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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