I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
