I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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