I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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