My first STD was from a foam party
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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