don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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