Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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