I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
