I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
