why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
