I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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