we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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