I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I could fuck to npr.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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