We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
