My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
