Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
