Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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