I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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