Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
