hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
