Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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