I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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