fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
