my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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