for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
