Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
