Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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