i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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