ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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