I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
