I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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