she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
