just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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