I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
