I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
