I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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