my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
