How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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