Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize