this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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