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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
