I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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