Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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