I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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