i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
