i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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