he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
