yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
she told me i tasted like america
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
