i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
