I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize